I feel that an institutionalized system of dignity is required to end the institution of rankism but today I am thinking about what the individual can do if they want to break out of being a nobody in their small situation. Can you effect change over your own situation, or are you stuck in the institution until change comes from higher up?

The person that is holding rank over you has power. Why? Because you need them. You need your boss to sign your paycheck. If you are a child you need your parents to feed, clothe and house you. In a relationship you may need your partner for emotional support or companionship. I think the way to break out is to learn how not to need them. This is not always possible—a five year old can’t secede from their family, of course.  But I think this is possible with both jobs and relationships. And then I think that this shift in your thinking tips some kind of universal power balance and creates a wave of motivation and good energy in your favor.

If you are miserable at work, you might want to examine your finances very carefully. Could you survive a few weeks without a paycheck? Yes? Then you don’t need your boss. Do something about it! Maybe you don’t even want to quit but now you are motivated to speak to your boss about the issues you need resolved. Hey, if you get fired for speaking to him you might even get severance and unemployement, even better. I was “stuck” in a miserable job for years, feeling like I couldn’t get out because I needed that paycheck. Then I realized that somehow I would survive without it for awhile and my mental health and happiness was much more important than being able to have dinner and drinks with friends. I gave myself a “quit-by” date and started earnestly searching for a job. What do you know, within two weeks I found a great position that I’m still happily in. I feel like my shift in thinking helped the universe to line things up in my favor. Crazy? I’m not sure. But it works.

As I posted about previously, I am having difficulties maintaining my sense of self in my relationship. My boyfriend left on a silent retreat for 12 days and I was determined to prove to myself that I could thrive and have a great two weeks without him. And I did. Maybe I don’t need him as much as I thought I did, I told myself. Unfortunately the day he returned, my kitty cat got very sick and my emotions went on a rollercoaster and I fell back to being even needier than before. But this morning I woke up ready to rally and I remembered that I don’t need him. I love him to pieces and he enriches my life in an incredible way and I certainly don’t want to quit, but now I feel much less afraid to ask for what I need and I know that if we can’t make the required changes the world will not end if I am still unhappy and I have to walk away. The feeling is very empowering and somehow I have a sense that this shift in attitude will open up many new avenues for discovering how we can work and grow because I am not afraid of failing anymore.

Ever since I started thinking in this way I have had many lucky things happen. A friend offered to give me a bicycle she found. Another friend who works for a radio station is putting me on the guest list to see a performer I really love. I hung out with a cool band after seeing them perform a couple weeks ago. My boyfriend left for a meditation retreat yesterday and I can’t even talk to him on the phone for almost two weeks. I was sort of worried about being bored and lonely while he was gone but all of the sudden I’ve got a ton of invites for fun things to do in the next two weeks. Is this luck? Or would these things have happened anyway and I am just choosing to see them in a different light? It’s hard to say. All I know is that it’s only been a few weeks since I’ve been believing that I am lucky and so far I do in fact feel very very lucky!

I am always sort of a background person as it is–I’d rather be watching than in the spotlight. But I’m not sure this works in a relationship because then you end up being totally controlled by the other person whether they want to control you or not. Well, perhaps it would be different if I dated another background person, but stupidly enough I am not attracted to those people.

I suppose the silver lining is that I at least finally figured out what this pattern is–I could never pinpoint or articulate what it was that made me fuck up every relationship, I only knew it was always the same thing. And my boyfriend loves me enough to want to work on it with me.

I need to figure out how to stop floating through life. I need to start running.

At the other pharmacy there are signs that say to form a line about six feet away from the counter in order to give customers some privacy but some creepy guy stood over my shoulder the entire time I was filling out the paper work. There is a strange feeling of shame or something when i have to get this pill. It’s embarrassing. You screwed up. And that’s another thing–they don’t just hand you the pill. You have to fill out a form and sign it and then you have a “consultation” where they tell you what to do if you throw up and when you should expect your period. Then you have to hand over about $50–$30 for the pill and $20 for this consultation that takes about three minutes. They offered to run my insurance to see if anything was covered and I believe I got about 1.25 taken off the price. never mind that a pregnancy probably costs them $1000s of dollars. That’s for virtuous women and the MaP is for tramps, I guess.

all in all it took me about $50 and an hour to get the pill last time I needed it. it was stressful and slightly embarassing and I know I have it 100 times easier than a lot of other women. that’s the worst part i think.

Here’s some more fun lists we are supposed to make:

Five hobbies that sound fun:
1. photography
2. making web sites
3. rollerskating
4. silkscreening
5. painting

List five classes that sound fun:
1. oil painting class
2. photoshop class
3. black and white photography class
4. web site/programming class
5. wine tasting

List five things you would personally never do that sound fun:
1. skydiving
2. shaving my head
3. jumping into the deep end of a pool
4. throwing a chair through the window
5. dancing on a stripper pole

List five skills that would be fun to have:
1. swimming
2. ruby on rails
3. welding
4. cooking
5. knowing about wine

List five things you used to enjoy doing:
1. drawing
2. rollerskating
3. peanut butter play-do
4. ceramics
5. printmaking

List five silly things you would like to try once:
1. hot air balloon ride
2. skydiving
3. silkscreening
4. holding a koala bear
5. making caramels

Anyway, here’s a review of the last few days:’

On Friday I went to Erik’s house with a bottle of champagne. I just felt like drinking some bubbly. We went to Shorty’s for dinner and then went back to his place to drink and watch Masculin Feminin, which is a terrific movie. I loved it. We went to bed relatively early and slept in as well.

Saturday was busy! I dashed home in the morning, took a quick shower, and barely caught a bus up to the U-District to see Drawing Restraint 9, the new Matthew Barney project, at the Varsity. I will say it was “worth consuming” just because it was an exeperience, but it was kind of weird and I can’t decide if I actually liked it or not. Lots of petroleum jelly though. Then Erik and I wandered around a bit and got some greasy food and coffee and got in a stupid fight about whether saying you would miss someone is a horrible thing to say or not. Bleh. But then we went back to Cappy Hill and checked on the ducks at the Park. Still not there. Someone drained the pool and now the ducks are gone. Then we went to Linda’s for a quick beer before heading to a barbecue with some friends. It was great fun and the food was excellent. We then tried to head downtown to go to a fashion show but it took us so long to hail a cab that we totally missed it. We hung out at the hotel where the show was for a bit and then went back to Michele’s house with Tom, Michele and Sami. Drank some wine and left around 1:30 I think, where we proceeded to walk in the wrong direction until we were totally in the middle of nowhere–and there were no cabs to be found! I was finally able to hail one with poor Erik half asleep with his head on my shoulder.

On Sunday we went to dim sum with a few friends. It was incredibly cheap. Then we walked over to the Frye and sat through half a boring film lecture. Then we viewed some art and then I went home. Once I was home I lollygagged and wasted a lot of time doing nothing. Bleh.