Lost.
I am feeling quite lost. I lose my identity whenever I am in a relationship and I don’t know how to stop it. More and more I feel like maybe it isn’t possible for me to be in a relationship because they just seem to ruin me. I love to love but I’m not very good at it. Or maybe too good–I love the other person so much I forget about myself. I am turning into his girlfriend and losing ME and I don’t like it.
I am always sort of a background person as it is–I’d rather be watching than in the spotlight. But I’m not sure this works in a relationship because then you end up being totally controlled by the other person whether they want to control you or not. Well, perhaps it would be different if I dated another background person, but stupidly enough I am not attracted to those people.
I suppose the silver lining is that I at least finally figured out what this pattern is–I could never pinpoint or articulate what it was that made me fuck up every relationship, I only knew it was always the same thing. And my boyfriend loves me enough to want to work on it with me.
I need to figure out how to stop floating through life. I need to start running.
