Do you believe you are lucky?
I never believed I was lucky; in fact, I thought I was unlucky. I could point out any number of things or events to prove that I was unlucky. Then, about three weeks ago perhaps, someone said to me that I lead a charmed life and they wished some of my luck would rub off on them. Well, this was a surprise. Me? Charmed life? Ha! Then a few days later someone else said about some hard times she was going through, “things always turn around if you choose to believe you are lucky.” I really liked this statement so I decided to start believing that I am lucky, that I do indeed lead a charmed life.
Ever since I started thinking in this way I have had many lucky things happen. A friend offered to give me a bicycle she found. Another friend who works for a radio station is putting me on the guest list to see a performer I really love. I hung out with a cool band after seeing them perform a couple weeks ago. My boyfriend left for a meditation retreat yesterday and I can’t even talk to him on the phone for almost two weeks. I was sort of worried about being bored and lonely while he was gone but all of the sudden I’ve got a ton of invites for fun things to do in the next two weeks. Is this luck? Or would these things have happened anyway and I am just choosing to see them in a different light? It’s hard to say. All I know is that it’s only been a few weeks since I’ve been believing that I am lucky and so far I do in fact feel very very lucky!
Disciplining your Mind
Just a few short days after I wrote that post about needing to focus, Steve Pavlina wrote a blog entry on how to train your mind to focus better. I’ll definitely be trying out some of these exercises. I haven’t had a TV for over a year so I’ve already got one finished! Maybe I intent-manifested him to write this article.
Focus
I have no focus. For example: yesterday I was doing laundry, and I took a bunch of clothes that needed to be air-dried out of the washer and back to my apartment. I sat them in a ball on a chair and hung two pieces up before I then started doing the dishes. Somehow I completely forgot in the space of two seconds that I needed to hang up the rest of the clothes! I do these kinds of things all the time. I think my first order of business in changing myself will be to learn how to focus. Whether this is by meditation or medication I am not sure. Stay tuned…
Lost.
I am feeling quite lost. I lose my identity whenever I am in a relationship and I don’t know how to stop it. More and more I feel like maybe it isn’t possible for me to be in a relationship because they just seem to ruin me. I love to love but I’m not very good at it. Or maybe too good–I love the other person so much I forget about myself. I am turning into his girlfriend and losing ME and I don’t like it.
I am always sort of a background person as it is–I’d rather be watching than in the spotlight. But I’m not sure this works in a relationship because then you end up being totally controlled by the other person whether they want to control you or not. Well, perhaps it would be different if I dated another background person, but stupidly enough I am not attracted to those people.
I suppose the silver lining is that I at least finally figured out what this pattern is–I could never pinpoint or articulate what it was that made me fuck up every relationship, I only knew it was always the same thing. And my boyfriend loves me enough to want to work on it with me.
I need to figure out how to stop floating through life. I need to start running.
